Simplicity and Sex

by G. Corey Carlisle, MDiv, LMFT, CST

There’s just not enough time in the day. By the time we try to complete everything we need to do, we crawl into bed exhausted, with nothing but sleep on our minds. We wake up the next morning to start the daily grind all over again.  We’re so busy, there’s just not enough time in the day for sex.

Busyness has a way of creeping up on us, and we often have to resist the seductive pull into doing just one more thing. Is this merely a busy season of life, or have we let busyness become our way of life? Are we freely sacrificing our time as a gift for others? Or, has busyness become our means to feel needed and be seen as important by those around us? What are the hidden motivations of our busyness? If we are not careful, our tendency to over-schedule can rob us of the very life and joy we try so hard to secure. And for many couples, busyness deprives them of a fulfilling sex life.


The Good News About Marriage

Would your view of marriage change if you knew the following were true?

  • The actual divorce rate has never gotten close to 50 percent.
  • Those who attend church regularly have a significantly lower divorce rate than those who don’t.
  • Most marriages are happy.
  • Simple changes make a big difference in most marriage problems.
  • Most remarriages succeed.

Based on the newest research in the field, it appears each of these statements is true.

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Dr. Mike published in Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity journal

Dr. Sytsma and one of his student's - Jenna Riemersma - had an article on rapid onset sexual addiction and the impact to a new generation published in a recent issue of Sexual Addictions & Compulsivity, a professional peer reviewed journal.
In the article, Riemersma & Sytsma argue that due to the Three C's of chronicity, content, and culture, we are seeing the rise of a new subset of sex addicts. While a "classic" sex addict developed over time with a typical foundation of trauma and/or abuse, a "contemporary" sub-type of sex addict is different. Largely due to the intensity of stimulation available online, some, especially young people, are developing a rapid onset sexual addiction without the foundation of classic types of trauma. The trauma for them is the exposure and fall-out of their rapidly developing addiction.
While the published article is only available by subscription or purchase (click image or here), as an author, Dr. Sytsma is allowed to post a copy of the final accepted version. You can read the submitted article by clicking on this link.


Your Move

by G. Corey Carlisle, MDiv, LMFT, CST

It’s been a long war. In the beginning, daily routines were managed with a fair amount of civility, and the pretenses could be maintained amidst family and friends. Eventually, as things heated up, there no longer existed a moment of peace between them. Now, every interaction is steeped with criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.

They both want things to be different, they want the fighting to end, and to find their way towards a better marriage. However, their mutual suspicion leads to continued mistrust, and the risk of letting their guard down seems too great. They feel stuck, and wonder if they can ever truly trust each other again. Is the death of the relationship (i.e., divorce) the only way to end the fighting and find peace?


Igniting the Spark of Sexual Passion

by G. Corey Carlisle, MDiv, LMFT, CST

Photo by Sara Renee

They are best friends, great parents, and it is clear they love each other deeply. Still, they are confused at their lack of sexual energy. The infrequent sexual encounters tend to be routine and mechanical, and they find themselves more as good roommates than passionate lovers. They long to reignite the spark of sexual energy in their marriage. This scenario is not uncommon for many marriages, and the answer may be found in understanding and enhancing sexual polarity.

The basic law of polarity is that opposite-charged objects attract and like-charged objects repel. This is seen with the north and south poles of magnetic energy, as well as the positive to negative flow of electrical energy. While more complicated, author David Deida observes that polarity also explains the flow of sexual energy between two individuals. In the dance of the sexes, the two poles are the Masculine and the Feminine. This observation reminds us that God created us male and female (Genesis 1:27).