Brakes and Accelerators

This is a classic exercise in the sex therapy field that is typically valuable – and sometimes surprising to couples. Agree as a couple to work on this together, though it can be beneficial for yourself if your spouse isn’t willing to join you.

Sexual arousal (and sexual desire) are not light switches where they are either on or off. It’s more like driving a car with accelerators and brakes.

Sexual Accelerators are those things that excite us – even in subtle ways. They are the “turn ons.”  Accelerators add energy to arousal.

Sexual Brakes are those things that tend to hinder sexual excitement. They are the “turn offs.” Brakes tend to remove energy from arousal.

There is great value in identifying your own Brakes and Accelerators and sharing them with your spouse. Many people are not able to share the specifics of what increases and decreases arousal.

The attached worksheets (PDF download) are designed as a simple guide to assist you. Each sheet covers a different stage of Dr. Sytsma’s Intimacy Model. You can learn more about these stages by watching the introduction video here.

1.  Find time to work on filling out the worksheets on your own. You might decide (as a couple) to do them one stage at a time or all together. Allow yourself plenty of time. List out those things that serve as breaks to your arousal and those that serve as accelerators.
2. Schedule a time to share your answers with each other. Take turns sharing items. Work hard to stay curious in exploring what your spouse is sharing with you.

Remember:

• Your, and your spouse’s, brakes and accelerators may not be stereotypical.
• Reach beyond the obvious. Lack of sleep, not hearing from you all day, playing with the kids, dressing up, telling me what you love about my body, talking less…
• It may be a brake in one stage and an accelerator in another.
• It may be a brake one week, and an accelerator in another. Allow yourself to be a bit inconsistent. Help your spouse learn when to know for each.
• If you have trouble talking through your brakes and accelerators, back up and work on general communication skills first (http://lovetakeslearning.com is my favorite).

Stay curious, cherishing, and affirming with each other.